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| Wednesday, 5-Apr-2006 05:22 |
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MISS INDEPENDENT
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i had a lot to do today actually, thank God tak jadi balik kampung..got to review some final year project reports{got a headache already}.but..something is playing on my mind, so i need to let this one out first. actually, some few weeks ago, i drove to town to pay some of my bills.once i stop at a traffic light in the middle of the town. i saw an old man on his motorbike.i think something went wrong with the motorbike since he was strolling that vehicle across the traffic light. i stared at his face. i saw the fine lines, i saw the courage, i even saw the sorrow..i felt very sorry for him..even was thinking,"at this old age,i am pretty sure he is still fighting his bones to raise a family at home.."i was wondering what was behind that sorrow face of his..what was he thinking right now and then?..but lights turns to green, so i left that question at the back of my mind. i turn to a bank nearby,need to get some cash to pay my bills..i was queing behind an oldman at the atm machine. then, after getting the cash, he just walk away, that time i noticed it was the old man whom i just saw at the traffic light.again, my eyes followed his footsteps before i continue to the atm machine. i noticed he didnt took his receipt with him, so, i pulled out the receipt b4 i continue taking my money. i walked back to my car, somehow, i open to view my receipt, but i open the wrong receipt..i open the one belonged to the old man..tears dwelling my eyes when i saw the amount he took."ONLY RM10!". i am sure enough, that 10 ringgit he wanted to use to repair his motor. i dont think he have more than that in the account. Nowadays, i bet even students, once they go to an atm machine, the least they will take out is RM50. even myself, the least i would take is RM200. But this old man,..i wonder how much he suffers..what food would he take home today for the family..maybe that motor he is using is the only mean to owe some living, and it's broken for the day...after that, i went looking for him..but i can't find him..that incident...had been at the back of my mind since then..this morning, again i went to the same atm machine..and that face of this old man came crossing my mind again..now i couldn't concentrate on my work(again). I felt stupid of myself..i owe thousands as salary every month, and i don't even have any family to raise {maybe sometimes once in a while i gave some to my family, and two cars to pay}..still i keep complaining of not having enough money...this fella..he got only RM10 in his hand for that day, he got a motor to be repaired and he had a family back home to feed...i feel like i didn't even owe the food i'm eating..i didn't even finished up my foods when i don't like it..i don't know what i'm feeling rite now..just i need to let it out..gheess..that's all..
Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance,
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true
Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no
But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love
When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen
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| Monday, 3-Apr-2006 08:35 |
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BREAKAWAY
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YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of sudden, i felt like i'm as light as feather...for the first time, i think i don't have anything to do at work..i've finished my work {for the time being}...only some works on research, next semester's syllabus, writing papers, publishing modules, bla bla bla..that one can be done later..hihi..i was suppose to go back home in BEsut tonite, but dad called yesterday telling he wont be around so, i postpone my holiday until next week..that's why i was rushing to finish up the loads so i dont have to think about it at all..i wanted to spend my whole time with my mom and dad..and siblings...i wanna spend my time talking..just to wrap up all those time i didnt manage to be with them..
been over than two months i didnt go back..
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway
~kelly clarkson, breakaway
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| Thursday, 23-Mar-2006 00:02 |
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REASONS
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For that heart has its reasons
Looking to the open door
she hesitates to walk herself out
she even wonder
why that door is open wide
is it for her..or is it a fake start
that heart walks away..
because she think she could never stay
For that long road..she walks a long day
she doesn't even know her path is which way
But she keeps on strolling..heading to that promising horizon
For that heart has its reasons..
She throw her sight to the endless sea
she saw the birds flying pass her by
they asked her to follow them fly
to see the better place that she can never deny
But "no!"..the heart reply..
because she feels that she wanted to stay..
"why?"..asked the flying play..
"i don't have an answer for that, today..
For this heart has it's reasons..i may convey..."
She continues to watch the wonderful sight
she watch the sunset in a beautiful light
she watch the day turning into night
and those small small boats that bring their home a bright..
In that misty light, she realized..
she doesn't even know what she's trying to fight..
But since she believe that heart has it's reasons..
it doesn't really matter what..
or whether her path is wrong or right..
and retreating her path, she would never might..
BEcause..
for that heart has it's own reasons..why..
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| Wednesday, 22-Mar-2006 05:49 |
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land of the unforgiving sea
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i think i am trapped in the land of the unforgiving sea
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| Tuesday, 14-Mar-2006 05:08 |
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SWAN FEEDING
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forgot the last time i saw him..keje baik2 ye dik..
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 hmm..Time had become my enemy.haven't remember the last time i took a while to stroll down the country side to watch nature change. but i noticed how the paddy field is becoming dryer, and the weather becoming hotter.Realized it has been long enough since i last rang some close friends whom i used to rang at least once in a forthnight. i wonder what i've been doing all these time. wondered if i had been trying hard enough to cherish every second of my life here. Wondered if my time doing the work does varies proportionally to the satisfaction of my life's objectives.
this afternoon, i came back to the office with quite a satisfied heart. for one thing, i think today the knowledge i wanted to transfer to my students are well delivered. i can see the understanding eyes of most of them...okay lah tu..or not i will always go back home, thinking wether they understood or not what i'm trying to teach...because these knowledge, they will be carrying for the rest of their lives...
hmm..other than that..i am trying to find the right path, the right door for my self. which for the time being iam actually putting my life on jeopardy and risk. just that i need some time to figure out wether i am willing to take the risk or not. rationally, i don't wanna take the risk anymore, since life thought me before that usually that risk drift us to failure...however, emotionally,i am still attached and i don't have a strong heart to let go..
so, feel like hanging on a rope, where there's an infinite depth below. if i can swing meself to the edge, then, i would be safe..if not, i still have some time hanging there, and when i don't have that courage anymore, and i cannot hold on a little longer i would drop myself to that depth.
*sigh*..
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| Friday, 10-Mar-2006 09:23 |
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APPLE PICKING
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i REALLY missed those time when i was young and free..not too much to think of...nowadays, i think a lot about me, about work, about life, about love,about family, about friends, about collegues,about the surrounding...and even about the country!!!(what???)..that answers my sleepless nights, i guess..
there's something happening around me this time of my life right now..even if they didnt say it out loud, i knew some are whispering at the back..well, only I know the situation i'm in now, and i don't think i need to tell everybody about it..say whatever you may say, guys..but the play is on me...i wont fight back..because i know,this time,would also pass me by. wait for the ilver lines..and til that time comes, i'll try to keep what used to be mine.
"be..pretty outside, beautiful inside.."
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| Friday, 3-Mar-2006 01:35 |
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WHERE ARE YOU NOW
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i knew someone for a little while
i think he is nice and seems worthwhile
but life had thought me in a difficult trial
thus i was too afraid to give it a try
a good guy like him is hard to find
these time of life only a few left behind
i know how he feels but i pretend i was blind..
i didnt want to hurt him, as much as i hurt mine
and i guess now he was too upset to wait..
or maybe he thought everything was too late
to this dear someone, please don't look at me in hate..
because i'm too afraid of losses, i'm too afraid of the coming fate..
but all your feelings for me i do appreciate..
it was a while since i last saw him..
i saw the dissapointment behind that small eyes of his..
hey friend, i wish for once you would believe me this..
you're in the top on my praying list..
hope you find a better girl than this..
because i'm not worthwhile for someone so blist..
sometimes i wonder where are you now..
dont you need my friendship..as we promise and vow..
but i guess you want to end this journey somehow..
maybe i am not even good at being your friend right now..
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| Tuesday, 28-Feb-2006 06:57 |
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PERFECTIONS
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this beauty was caught on my occasional travel to "sunset-watching", its been quite some time since i last got a chance to watch the sun set..{i'm stuck with loads of works}. this time it was at a rural place by the sea, about one and half hours from home. this was my third time passing thru that place and i finally succeed in finding the way to see the bridge in front of me.the last two times, i failed to find the route to this area, and i only can see the bridge from a distance.
..i hope one day i can share this beauty with someone..
to that someone:-
"Us is a dream.one day when we both wake up from this dream, then we'll realize that we had lost each other already. for everyday ahead, i hope no one would wake me up from this dream, but what i am afraid most is that someone will wake you up before me. Then, i know, i would lose you, even in my dreams...."
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| Wednesday, 22-Feb-2006 12:00 |
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ROMANCE CITY OF PARIS
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i was just sliding thru some cds and i found some photos of me in Paris.i remembered how i felt being in front of Eiffel Tower. the only thing that crossed my mind that time was "if only i am seeing this with the loved one..it would feel much better..". Mystericly, there is some romance in just watching this wonder.Bon Voyage, Paris.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
p/s:- hey,tentang seseorang itu...sampai bila perlu jadi hanya seseorang?? guess i'll never be with you..
 i missed my guitar..and tentang seseorang itu...
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| Friday, 17-Feb-2006 03:27 |
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DYING
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today..i stood in front of the mirror..looking at an image of a woman..realized that its not that innocent young lady anymore..i can see defined dark circles under her eyes..i can feel her health is becoming worse..is the time coming...please GOD, not yet..too much to do, too many things missing in my life..give me a chance a little bit more..the other day..a few moment before i found myself collapsed..i've had this pain in my stomach,i thought that was all the time GOD spare me on earth..i thought the angel was already doing his job..i prayed to HIM..not now, Ya Allah..too many forgiveness i had to ask,too many love i still don't have a chance to give..i guess the skies were opened, as GOD heard my prayer..i was given a chance to breath until now...i suppose it was a warning...watching and feeling from my body's performance..i know something is dying inside..i just dont wanna think about it...i got too many work to think about..too many hearts to take care of...i've got some hurt to be healed.my fight cannot stop here...just hope GOD will give me some extra strength in heart, mind, body, and soul to complete this.
i saw some pictures this morning...pictures i should have not allow myself to see.the hardest part was to act as i felt nothing..and it brings no meaning to me.But guess you can fool others but you cannot fool yourself.
"AND I HATE IT WHEN I KNOW I AM FOOLING MYSELF!"
~God,give me a reason..
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